The recent failure by Congress to pass a budget has led to the second federal shutdown within a decade. Despite this shutdown, the federal government remains far less disappointing than FAU’s own student government. Here are some reasons as to why that is:
1. The feds have never promised Greek Housing.
Every single year, whoever is running for student body president always speaks about Greek Housing. Well, well, well, the feds have never done that. In Washington, they may not have been able to select a budget plan, but rest assured that they won’t promise to spend your honest money on houses that are exclusive to less than 15% of a campus population. In the words of President Agent Orange, “sad.”
2. A federal shutdown is bad, but not nearly as bad as spending $226,510 on 2017’s homecoming.
Sure, shutting down numerous park services across the United States isn’t exactly ideal, but the eight-year-old not being able to see the Lincoln Memorial got off easy compared to the students at FAU. Student government felt really good while dishing out $226,510 on 2017’s homecoming. Spending over two-hundred grand for a T-Pain concert and a game that 13,277 people came to attend is depressing. The GOP couldn’t even fuck this up but you know who did? Yep, student government
3. The feds do not hate on the Hoot’s little brother, the University Press.
Trump calls most media sources “fake news.” Has Donnie ever called the University Press that? No, but guess who has called the UP fake news? Student government did! The SGA fired a new editor-in-chief because he told an SGA panel that he was going to watchdog them. The American government shut down while SGA tried to shut down the UP. I’ll take the lack of bipartisan agreement over the Boca Raton tyranny trying to beat up FAU’s second-best newspaper. America has this thing called the Bill of Rights and it says that Americans have freedom of the press. FAU’s student government is basically how China was in 1989.
4. SGA did not even need a shutdown for Night Owls to suck actual asshole.
When America’s government shuts down, the feds at least still provide the American people safety and domestic tranquility, but holy fuck, FAU has a government that cannot find a way to drive golf carts around a campus no longer than a mile and a half.
The government shutdown will end. Will it be today? Tomorrow? Who the fuck knows at this point? But when it does, we can count on the fact that FAU’s student government will still be more disappointing than your son when he told you he was going to major in Art History.