So, you slept through your alarm again? What’s worse, you remember that you’re all out of Keurig K-Cups and forgot to buy some last night. It’s probably too late to make a Dunkin’ Donuts run, which means you’re going to be staring at a pair of glaring red taillights for the next forty-five minutes while you sit miserably in morning traffic without the aid of caffeine. You finally arrive to campus and navigate hopelessly through a full parking garage. Just as you’re about to give up, you see what appears to be an empty parking spot! Well, this morning just got a lot more promising! Maybe you won’t be so late to class after all. Overcome with relief, you quickly make for the vacant space. Wait — what’s this? A pile of bricks situated smack-dab in the middle of what should have been YOUR parking spot! Grip tightening on the steering wheel, blood boiling with rage, you curse that pile of bricks for viciously yoinking what is rightfully yours. But let me ask you this: What exactly makes you so goddamn special, huh? Have you ever even attempted to level with that pile of bricks and think about all the ways it is more worthy of that spot? Or has your pride and self-entitlement once again gotten in the way of seeing the bigger picture? The next time this happens — and believe me, it will — think about these four reasons why that pile of bricks deserves a parking spot over you.
1. Without that pile of bricks, the third little pig would be wolf food: Remember The Three Little Pigs? It’s a book I’m sure even you managed to read, albeit with your finger probably guiding you from word to word, but whatever. Anyway, if the third little pig had not built his house with bricks, he would surely have been devoured along with his brothers by the big bad wolf. Have you ever spared a pig from a merciless death? I’m willing to assume not. Glad to hear that parking spot is more important to you than having innocent pig blood on your hands.
2. That pile of bricks is a humanitarian: While you were picking lint from your belly button, that pile of bricks you’re so eager to steal a parking spot from spent the entire summer of 2016 building houses for children in West Africa, and even went so far as to teach several of them how to speak Mandarin. When was the last time you built anything that wasn’t made from Mega Bloks?
3. Brick-throwing: Whenever someone needs a brick to throw through the window of a local business, that pile of bricks will always be there like a true friend. What do you have to throw? An egg? Wow, that’ll really do some damage. Come on, is that all you’ve got? Last week, when Jennifer Roberts caught her boyfriend Riley Abrams making out with another girl at the ice skating rink, that pile of bricks bought Jennifer a yogurt and later lent her a brick to throw at Riley’s car windshield. Take that, Riley! What did you do to console Jennifer in her time of need?
4. That pile of bricks is a devout Christian: Every Sunday morning, that pile of bricks attends nine o’clock mass, treats the pastor to a delicious, fortifying breakfast at The Original Pancake House, and leaves the waitress with a generous fifteen percent tip. I bet you can count on one hand the number of times you bought your pastor a warm, fluffy stack of buttery flapjacks. And yet you wonder why God has abandoned you.