Okay, listen up. Momma didn’t raise no quitter. That’s why we’ve got 8 ways to make it so momma ain’t disappointed in you come this finals week. It’s time to buckle down and listen to what your momma always told you: “Be more like your older sister Ashley.” You know what Ashley does? Ashley passes her finals and she don’t take shit. Well guess what, it’s your turn to be Ashley. It’s your turn to pass these exams and come home a fuckin’ hero. Now read these tips, study them, and be the child momma always wanted.
1. Do Not Study
You know what you do when you study? You show weakness. And momma KNOWS she didn’t raise no weakling. Go into your final exams without studying and show everyone that you’re confident in your abilities and that you ain’t no insecure weakling.
2. Party Hard
It’s important to go hard every night during the week before finals. Alcohol sparks creativity and can help you write that essay you forgot about.
3. Fuck the TA
It’s time to use what momma gave you and get that A the hard way.
4. Bribe the professor
If momma wasn’t generous in the down-low area, money is a good substitute.
5. Sleep for about 16-17 hours per day.
Make sure to get plenty of sleep before finals week, about 16-17 hours per day. Really make sure to lie in bed and do as little as possible in order to be fully relaxed and ready for all the exams and deadlines during finals week.
6. Eat a healthy breakfast.
A healthy breakfast can do you a lot of good. It’s the most important meal of the day and makes you alert and ready to take on your finals.
7. Pick up smoking.
The week before finals week can be the most stressful time of the year, and nothing can cure stress like a new addiction. Realistically, smoking would be the best addiction to start before finals week. It looks super cool and I hear it makes you smell great!
8. Yell at God.
Make sure to cover all your bases before finals week by angrily yelling at and threatening every single god/deity/demon/spiritual object you can think of. Make sure to do this next to a window with a fist clenched to the sky for maximum effect.
Now with these tips, go out there. It’s time to make momma proud, show her what you’ve got, survive exam week, and return home with honor and dignity. Remember, Ashley is only succeeding more and more, and it’s time to catch up. I hear she’s about to close on a house. A HOUSE. Now go make the magic happen, prove your entire extended family wrong, and show everyone that cousin Madeline is the fuck up, not you!