AMBER Alert: FAU Dunkin Donuts Latte Machine, Silver, Square

Debbie, the latte machine currently stationed at the Dunkin Donuts in the FAU Library, has been reported missing since 6:38AM on Sunday morning. The machine is “silver and square,” according to the AMBER Alert sent out on Wednesday.

This is not the first time Debbie has gone missing. In the past two years alone, she has reportedly been absent from the workplace a record 348 days, with seven prior AMBER Alerts issued by FAU PD due to signs of abduction. Of these seven alerts, in four instances Debbie was found wandering the underground tunnels of the university, in two she was found digging a hole for herself at the Tortuga Trail, and in only one instance was she actually kidnapped by a Starbucks employee.

Debbie has her fair share of critics, many claiming she disappears to get attention and skip out on work. “That attention-seeking bitch has issues,” claimed sophomore Vanessa Armstrong. “She wants everyone to feel bad for her so she goes AWOL and ignores all the people she is here to serve. Whore.”

A protest began in the library late last Wednesday as students lined up, silently holding up picket signs that read “Fire Debbie.” That silence was soon interrupted: as the horde of decaffeinated students grew, so did the acts of unending violence.

Witness Kiera Dawson claims she watched two boys aggressively sink their teeth into donuts while scribbling on the walls and windows with jelly and cream fillings. Illegible phrases like “Cash me outside howbow dah, useless latte machine” and “Give us Dunkin coffee or give us daeth [sic]” remain as evidence of the gruesome event.

Some students have taken a sympathetic view towards Debbie. “If all latte machines were judged on their ability to show up to work, some would be seen as idiots,” said student Alexa Yates. “It’s 2017. Some latte machines are more introverted than others. Get used to it.”

At press time, Dunkin Donuts had hired a replacement for Debbie, who also went missing immediately after installation.