An Open Letter From A Fifth Year Freshman

We are almost two months into the Fall semester, and all I can think about is how stupid and big headed these freshmen are this year. I have taken it upon myself to go back to school for another degree, seeing as my first one didn’t help me do anything in the “adult world.” The thing I can’t wrap my head around is why these 18 year olds think they are so entitled and that their opinion is the “end all, be all.” 

Let me go on to explain; when I was a freshman I kept my head down and studied hard. Sure I was in a couple Chemistry group chats, who wasn’t? What I can’t wrap my head around is that I join this anatomy group chat and say one thing – all the sudden everyone is calling me a liar, that I don’t know what I’m doing, and to shut the fuck up. Well listen here you little pansy ass first years, this is my second rodeo so we’re going to play by my rules. 

First off, I’m four years older than you, so I know things – stop acting like you have your whole life figured out and that you’re going to be a fancy doctor. News flash, I wanted to be a surgeon, now look where I am. You probably won’t pass basic chemistry and then declare yourself a business major. Secondly, if I am giving you advice, fucking take it. These professors could give two shits about your other classes or what your degree is – all they need is for you to pass so they don’t get sacked. Also if I say, “maybe you should make a group chat for a lab class and not the lecture” you should do that. I know how feeble minded you are and you’re going to get confused on if you have a lecture quiz due tomorrow or a lab exam on Friday if you keep talking about it in the same damn chat. Side note – who makes group chats in iMessage of all places? Take that shit to Whatsapp or Groupme, the fuck?

To wrap this up, y’all need to buck up and study hard because these four years are rough and you need to be in control of your shit show. Wash your hands, say your manners and most definitely do not have sex in the public bathrooms, just go somewhere else, I’m begging. Another thing – no the linebacker on the football team doesn’t want a relationship with you, he wants a quick bang then moves on to another seemingly innocent freshman. Take it from me, you do not want the whole football team thinking you’re their sexual conquest.