Anti-Gay Preacher Gets Ass Rammed

Proclaiming the sinful nature of homosexuality from atop a folding stool situated near the entrance of the Breezeway, an unidentified anti-LGBT preacher reportedly got his ass rammed last Monday by a speeding golf cart. “One minute he’s there, waving a bible around and going on about how being gay is evil or whatever, and the next minute he’s getting fucked from behind,” said Matthew Reese, sophomore and member of the crowd that had gathered in protest around the preacher. “I mean, there’s no sugarcoating how this went down. There wasn’t any slow, tender buildup like the hit-and-runs you might expect to find in movies. No, this thing came in hard and fast, ready to pound this guy’s shit. It did a number on his stool, too.” Reese concluded by lamenting that only intolerant, bigoted individuals seemingly get hit by golf carts and not hard-working, low-income university students in need of financial compensation.