Monday morning, considerate sophomore student Brian Slater was heard picking up his cell phone and having a full on recreational phone conversation in the middle of the library’s silent zone. Slater struck during peak hours of library usage, when one could normally hear a pin drop.
Among the students affected by this gesture of goodwill was senior student Thomas Redford, who was particularly affected since he was stuck without headphones in the middle of an online test. Slater’s generous act occurred shortly after the second most considerate person in the library decided to open her tub of last night’s leftovers and chew loudly. “The stench alone would have made me fail my test,” said Redford, “but her audible chewing kept me afraid that Honorlock would flag me for cheating.”
Once the library finally went silent, a single iPhone detonated a marimba ringtone at the highest possible volume. Slater then picked up the phone and answered, “YOOOOO Freddy, what’s good tonight??” According to Redford, the Honorlock system immediately voided his Communications test.
After a 30 minute chat that covered last night’s football game, who of their friends are going to formal, and an informative debate about the different kinds of pasta, Slater finally concluded the conversation and hung up the phone.
As he slipped the phone back into his pocket, thousands of students throughout the library began to clap. Librarians stood up and the students followed, giving Slater a full standing ovation. Suddenly, confetti fell from the sky, and not long after, students tore down the Owlsley statue in favor of a new “Brian Slater” cell phone tower. As President Kelly arrived to the library to give Slater his much deserved “Good Civility Student Award,” Slater’s phone went off once more, to which Brian answered “YOOO WHAT’S GOOD” and went on to continue ignoring everyone and everything around him.