Bored Commuter Student Spends 5-Hour Break Going Through 5 Stages of Grief

Freddie Parmigiano didn’t know what he was getting into when he registered for his classes at the beginning of the semester. “So what if I have a large gap between my classes?” Freddie said. “Since I’m a commuter student, that just means I’ll have more free time for homework and studying!”

This week we caught back up with Freddie, who was curled into a ball in the Hillel Jewish Center. “Oh, me? I’m doing just peachy!” he said, his face stark white and clearly malnourished.

We next caught a glimpse of Freddie through the glass window of the Dunkin Donuts, covered in white powder, screaming for his latte, flinging donuts, and squeezing the jelly out of them.

Our next sighting occurred at the stadium. Freddie was attempting to buy a yearly pass to all the football games. “Maybe if I buy this, the dean will let me change my class times to something more reasonable,” said Freddie, his eyes bloodshot from lack of sleep.

With 2 hours left, Freddie got hungry and was spotted at Jow Jing, disappointed that he hadn’t done any homework, eating orange “chicken” and seasoning it with his tears.

With only an hour left, Freddie was found at the front his classroom, diligently waiting for his class to start. “Yeah, so I didn’t get to do my homework or study. But I learned a lot of life lessons and I am ready for anything now!”

The Hoot later questioned the Dean of Student Affairs about Freddie’s strange behavior. “Oh, that? That is just how commuter students let off steam,” he said, sweating as another wild commuter student hurled buckets of Chick-N-Grill frying oil at him before immediately assuming the fetal position. “You just have to let nature take its course.”