With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, FAU will be flooded with depressed student and staff members who can’t seem to score to save their lives. In addition to those aimlessly wandering the campus in search of their soulmates, you will probably see the garden-variety douchebag looking to get in your pants. So here are 5 ways you can show ‘em who’s boss and hit back when getting hit on!
1. A Good Ol’ Suplex
Nothing says “stop looking at me” like a good ol’ suplex — especially when you’re suplexing that annoying jock into a piece of living room furniture! Simply approach the victim from behind as if to politely perform the Heimlich Maneuver, and hug them tight. They will appreciate the kind gesture and your willingness to get touchy with them. As soon as they let their guard down, do a backbend through an Ikea coffee table. Get shit on, fucker.
2. Get Over Here!
This one is inspired by the famous Mortal Kombat character Scorpion. When some pesky person is gawking at you, merely scream, “GET OVER HERE!” as you toss that handy-dandy spear you always keep on your Hot Topic skull belt into their eye sockets. A more advanced alternative involves freezing them in a sub-zero climate and then tossing your spear as the Mortal Kombat theme song blasts in the background. Either way, this move is guaranteed to finish them and put an end to whatever inferior move is being put on you.
3. Falcon Punch
If you’re at Chick-fil-A and a person is trying to have a conversation about bird rights and veganism with you, they are undeniably hitting on you and disrespecting your image. The best way to shut them up and show just how much you can spread your wings and soar above them is to falcon punch the everliving shit out of them. To execute this move, jump into the air and pull your fist back as flames surround you. Note that the further you pull your arm back, the more powerful your punch will be. K.O. that bothersome being and remember to take their wallet after!
4. Dash Attack
Popularized by characters in Super Smash Bros Melee like Starfox and Young Link, this move is certain to leave that fucking perv knocked out in the ground long enough for him to realize that he is a nasty creep. This move will give you +5 in stamina and will knock his damage percentage up 80%.
5. The Shoryureppa
If none of the previous moves seem to make a difference, the Shoryureppa is always guaranteed to end your complications – including ones that don’t involve flirting creeps. This popular problem solver originates from Street Fighter’s Ken and can be effortlessly be replicated in the real world. Simply shake the hand of your target to prove that you are mature and can handle these situations in a calm and collected manner. Then, establish your dominance by delivering a minimum of fourteen powerful uppercuts straight to their face while screaming sweet nothings in gibberish languages. If you do it correctly, the target should be reduced to a flaming husk.
So go out there Tuesday without fear being swayed by gifts and promises of love. Don’t be fooled by kindness – it makes you weak. Show them that nobody puts baby in the corner and hit back this Valentine’s Day!