The FAU Biology department is in turmoil after the results of a long-awaited research study reveals that the infamous banana spiders on the Boca Raton campus are not actually made of bananas.
The biology department had long accepted these spiders’ DNA to be 100% potassium, until head researcher Maggie Ramone had an epiphany. She says she was strolling through campus listening to Hollaback Girl, when she looked down at her phone and walked straight into a spider web. She said jokingly to herself, “This shit is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S,” as she looked at the spider. This pun is exactly what triggered her quest to discover if that shit really was bananas. “Cornell responded with absolute silence, which only motivated me more. How could they not care about a study that was on the verge of a groundbreaking discovery?”
“These results were less than a-PEEL-ing,” said Chad Baker, a campus resident who also hates himself enough to consider that pun funny. “The research came out right on time. I was just about to make some more of my famous banana bread, with my standard locally sourced ingredients. Guess this time Publix bananas will have to do.”
“Seriously? FAU did research on whether banana spiders were actual bananas?” said student Roberto Stephens, who transferred from FIU last semester. “This is what my tuition is paying for? This research is almost as productive as the construction on the Breezeway. Go owls.” He then stormed off, eager to spread the news.
After hearing about the study, President Kelly said he is willing to invest his own money if the biology department can discover if zebras are made of Zebra Cakes or not. This challenge, Ramone claims, will be “a piece of cake.”