Breaking: FAU Biochemistry Professor Exposed Using Blackboard for Drug Deals

FAU Police’s nine month drug investigation came to an end Wednesday morning with the discovery of Chemistry instructor Benjamin Black’s obsolete Blackboard homepage. Reports claim that with students having migrated over to Canvas, the secure outdated Blackboard network gave Black “the perfect outlet to communicate with fellow producers and sellers of meth.”

While Black often included vague drug references in his Canvas emails, the few students who actually read the messages were unable to decipher them. Eyewitness and Sophomore Bioengineering student Jaime Zander, however, was personally directed to Blackboard. “Mr. Black must have noticed me acting sad or whatever after my break-up, and all of a sudden he emails me saying that if I ‘wanted some Ice for that low,’ I should look at Blackboard. Something felt off, but I looked anyways. And I will never forget what I saw.”

Black had become widely praised as one of the few bearable tenured Chemistry professors at FAU. While many were astounded by the revelation, teaching assistant Ted Mitchell had suspicions. “I knew it as soon as he refused to fully integrate with Canvas,” Mitchell said. “I mean, I know Dr. Hammond over in Marine Biology hasn’t integrated with Canvas yet either, but she also still has a Myspace.” Mitchell says he plans to continue teaching the class, but admits it may be difficult since he lacks Black’s background in pharmaceuticals.

Campus police moved to arrest Black as soon as word got out. Students were appalled as a pack of campus police officers swarmed into their Tuesday 9:30 A.M. Neuroscience class and handcuffed a writhing Black, who repeatedly screamed, “I am the one who knocks!”

Biology major Todd Frankman found the whole experience surreal. “I felt like I was in some sort of TV show, like… I don’t know, Law and Order: Criminal Intent? Or maybe How to Get Away with Murder… No! Definitely Breaking Amish.