Breaking: FAU To Begin Holding Tailgates After Football Games To Encourage Game Attendance

This past Monday, FAU Administration announced that, from now on, tailgaters would be forced to hold their celebrations until football games ended in order to encourage game attendance. In the past, tailgates have been famously held in the afternoon or morning prior to a football game. During tailgates, students often become quite intoxicated and occasionally forgo attending the later game due to their lack of sobriety. Based on responses to this proclamation, students are intent on keeping this proud tradition going.

“How am I supposed to enjoy an FAU football game, of all things, if I’m not straight up wasted,” questioned super senior Derek White, crushing a can of Four Loko against his forehead. “Even if I skip the game, at least I totally showed school spirit by getting drunk in a parking lot before noon.”

Some students are devastated by the announcement, claiming destruction of social norms at FAU. “For the weirdo who actually enjoys watching football this is fine,” explained worried student Alexis Murphy. “But for the average FAU student, this is a targeted attempt at destroying our social lives as we know them.”

At press time, it was also revealed that, mirroring FAU’s vaccine incentive program, students would be entered in the chance to win a Visa gift card if found attending a full FAU football game.

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