Breaking: FAU Wi-Fi Powered by Single Mouse on Treadmill

Early Wednesday morning, student Jonas Kimmel discovered that FAU’s Wi-Fi system was powered by a single mouse hooked up to a treadmill. The mouse was found severely dehydrated, with barely any energy left to move his little paws and power the router. Kimmel, who lives on campus, made the discovery when investigating why the Wi-Fi was acting shittier than normal. “All I wanted to do was watch Stranger Things, but the Wi-Fi kept going in and out like it had a mind of its own.” He soon realized how true that statement was. The lone mouse was discovered to have been working for FAU for over two years, straining to use the treadmill to power both the Wi-Fi and the treadmill itself. Once the news hit social media, students across campus erupted in outrage regarding the university’s lack of foresight in using a mouse instead of an animal with longer legs and greater endurance. Kimmel was later seen holding the mouse, saying, “This little guy is coming with me. How else am I supposed to finish the second season?” At press time, FAU announced that they were upgrading to a newer and faster Wi-Fi carrier, rumored to be an iguana.