Breaking: New FAU Football Coach Lane Kiffin to Be Paid Exclusively in Disappointment

On Monday morning Lane Kiffin was revealed to be signing a contract to become the new head coach of the FAU football team, under the sole condition that he will be paid in cold-hard disappointment. Lane Kiffin, who previously worked at the University of Alabama, has reportedly shown great excitement over his new job at FAU, stating that he can’t wait for that “sweet disappointment” he’d been missing out on while coaching Alabama’s record-shattering team.

“I just can’t wait to get that burdensome feeling of disappointment back inside of me. You know: that feeling when all you can do is look around and wonder if God is punishing you,” said an enthusiastic Lane Kiffin. “Just the idea of seeing all those miserable fans on their phones and the desperate players on the field… God, I’m about to fucking faint, this is too much.”

Patrick Chun, the FAU Athletics director, was reportedly even more excited about the new contract than Kiffin himself. “We’re going to save millions of dollars with this new contract,” said a joyful Chun. “We were stupid to pay our old head football coach in US dollars. He was getting both money and all the disappointment you could ever imagine. It’s nice that we found someone who’s in it only for the disappointment.”

At press time, Lane Kiffin was seen in an FAU classroom, watching struggling students finish a final exam so he could take in some early disappointment before the football season. It has also been reported that before Kiffin left the classroom, he broke into a long laugh that was followed by mumbling which roughly resembled the words, “Your tears are so sweet.”