Breaking: President Kelly Finally Makes A Statement

At a surprise press conference Monday night, President Kelly released an officially unofficial statement regarding both the Covid-19 cases and the Housing debacle reported on by the UP last week. Naturally, given the quarantine, no press agencies were invited to the conference, but brave Hoot reporters, posing as a pool table in the Baldwin House, found a copy of the pre recorded statement. The reporters then copied the statement onto a flashdrive, and, via the help of a smoke bomb disguised as the 8 ball, made a hasty exit from the President’s house. The pre-recorded message was brought back safely to the Hoot’s Super Secret NewsRoom so we could view it, and share its contents with our dedicated readership. 

The message began with a black screen, and President Kelly’s distinct voice saying: “Hey y’all, it’s me President Kelly, aka Pappa Owl. Listen, I know that the UP has been saying some really scary things, and those things are all true. Unfortunately, they found out about the Covid cases and the Housing situation. Frankly, I’m not sure how they did, and the Owsley Golem was taught about the Bill of Rights two weeks ago, and won’t crush the UP beneath his mighty bronze talons because of that pesky ‘Freedom of the Press’ shenanigans. I know I probably should’ve said something about all that, but I’m a busy man, y’all. 

At this point the black screen bagan to fade into a tastefully nude President Kelly laying on a bearskin rug, a glass of wine within arms reach. President Kelly then spoke to the camera “But, from the bottom of my heart, I am sorry.”

What followed was a series of wide shots of President Kelly at various FAU landmarks, the Football Stadium, the Pollo Tropical, the Ropes Course, etc, too saying “I’m sorry.” Then the video closed with an image stating that this was not an official statement on behalf of the University, and only represented one man’s opinions.