Breaking: Students Report Thousands of Grandmothers Dead

According to a recent study conducted by FAU’s Sociology department, 7,372 grandmothers have been reported dead by students during the first few days of finals week.

“That mortality rate is worse than what you see among Oregon Trail characters,” FAU Sociology Professor Larry Prestow explains. “It makes me wonder if they’re cold. Do they have a nice, warm place to sleep? Are they getting proper nutrition? Except in rare cases, most grandmothers don’t have grandmothers of their own who can ask these questions. Who will grandma the grandmas?”

FAU Calculus Professor Brad Bahstad says he firmly believes in the study’s findings. In fact, he had an incident last year during finals week where a student told him that her grandmother had died. Bahstad didn’t believe her, given the fact that she’d claimed the same thing the day of her midterm. Looking to slake his need to embarrass students, he proceeded to stalk her for the next three days. She booked a flight to Boston, so he did too. He followed her to the hotel, camped out in his car, and followed her straight to the funeral home.

Refusing to believe that the student’s grandmother had actually died, he burst through the funeral home’s doors, mouth frothing. He saw the old lady in the casket, but he still didn’t believe she was dead. Ranting and raving about the fact that the grandmother had apparently died twice, he was eventually escorted out of the funeral home by police officers.

“Thank God for tenure,” Bahstad says of the incident.

The student, who chose to remain anonymous, did reveal to us that both of her grandmothers were alive. “I just wanted to go to a concert,” she says. “I have no idea who the old lady in the coffin was.”

Professor Bahstad says he can’t be certain who’s lying to him anymore, because a student could potentially have two grandmothers. When one student claimed four dead grandmothers, one per major exam, Professor Bahstad thought he might be able to catch her. Then he remembered that lesbians exist. Mormons, too.

It’s not just the teachers who are concerned about the grandmothers dying, either. “I have grandchildren, and I’m scared,” FAU Administrator Suzie Wilkins says. “Before, the sight of my grandchildren used to fill me with joy. Now, their smiling faces merely remind me that the spectre of death looms among us all.”

When asked to talk about her dead grandmother, Chemistry major Vanessa Hickinson said, “What? Mam mam’s dead? Oh, you mean… Yeah, of course she is. She is 100% not alive. And I feel bad about that. My flight got delayed, but I’m definitely going to that funeral. Definitely. There is… definitely.”

Stay tuned to The Hoot for further updates on this epidemic.