Breaking: This Man Ate Everything

Several students and staff members were appalled Friday when a man entered the Atlantic Dining Hall and proceeded to consume everything.

“There’s no rhyme or reason to this man’s actions,” English major Jennifer Kane said. “The sights and sounds of this man were disgusting and bestial.”

According to witnesses on the scene, the man sat at a table and proceeded to grotesquely dine on a plate piled high with food from every corner of the all-you-can-eat cafeteria. Within minutes, the contents of the tray had reportedly vanished into the bottomless pit of the man’s stomach.

“Dude didn’t even come up for air,” claimed freshman Peter Gordon. “He was just chowing down until there was nothing left, and I’m telling you the guy looked butt-nasty doing it. Probably wouldn’t have been so bad if he’d just kept his giant mouth closed while he ate.”

When reporters attempted to approach the man in question, he claimed that he was “hungry” and was “trying to eat his chicken sandwich in peace.” The man also added that he would be “going for seconds.”

“I can’t imagine any normal person doing that,” Gordon continued. “How can the man eat seconds if he already ate everything?”