Breaking: Trump Pays Owlsley Hush Money For Sexual Favors

On June 24, 2006, during his stay at a nearby Residence Inn, then business mogul, Donald Trump, was reported to have paid FAU’s mascot, Owlsley, a large sum of Owl Bucks for sexual services.

“I was a regular owl, working the Burrow from nine-to-five, making bank for my boss, Daddy Kelly,” said Owlsley. “I was looking for ways to pay off my classes, when this unsavory, orange-colored man approached me, touching my feathers with his fat, honkey fingers, and offered me a deal shooting some videos for ‘his company.’”  

“At first I thought it was a simple ‘job,’ but as the night went on, it became far more… wacky,” Owlsley went on to say. “He had me in all types of weird-ass costumes, doing all sorts of things; but the temptation of that green was too much, so I did the dirty.”  

The mascot claimed that Trump requested him to pluck off one of his feathers and to tickle him with it. “It was nasty,” Owlsley concluded.

At press time, FIU’s Roary the Panther and UNF’s Ozzie the Osprey came forward with similar allegations.