On Wednesday morning, it was announced that Ke$ha had been replaced by The Wiggles as the headlining musical act of the FAU Homecoming concert. The last-minute switch was due to an unforeseen circumstance in which Ke$ha was mistakenly picked up by a garbage truck and hauled to the local dump.
After whispers of Ke$ha’s disappearance hit the Boca campus, President Kelly reportedly flipped open his Motorola Razr and called in every favor he could to keep the concert afloat. After spending an extra $180,000, Kelly was able to reel in The Wiggles for that same night. Kelly then went on to promise this concert to be “the most crunk night in FAU history” and changed the name of the concert from ‘OWL Fest’ to ‘Wigglepalooza 2016.’
While some students seemed confused with the new choice of band, others felt fine with the outcome. “I was just plannin’ on listenin’ to Ke$ha and takin’ some ecstasy, but now with The Wiggles… I’m’a just gonna snort some cocaine and start that wigglin’ bullshit,” said already impaired and unintelligible FAU sophomore Elizabeth Jones. “I just need them to play that acoustic rendition of Ooey Ooey Ooey Allergies. I just want it so badly, I just… I just… need it!”
At press time, the Wiggles concert has reportedly sold out and is planned to be moved to the FAU stadium to accommodate children, families, and extremely high college students. While it is unclear how Wigglepalooza 2016 will play out at FAU, one thing is for certain: President Kelly is already looking forward to Hannah Montanapalooza 2017.