After overhearing whispers among students about how they never noticed construction workers to be present at the closed-off section of the Breezeway, FAU President John Kelly decided to reveal that he alone has spent the last three months building a memorial statue of Harambe the gorilla.
Around 10 A.M. on Friday, Kelly held an event to temporarily remove the fences and show all who attended the creation he had been keeping to himself. Speaking to a whopping 19 people, the trembling president took a deep breath, wiped a single tear from his eye, and spoke in heart and recollection about the tragedy that consumed the nation on May 28th, 2016: The death of America’s angel, Harambe.
“Students and staff, I have brought you here to witness the temporary unveiling of what I believe to be the most iconic statue that will ever be put on this campus – built all by the hands of yours truly,” President Kelly began as he motioned for multiple students bearing #DicksOut shirts to knock down the chain-linked fences. “Harambe was not just an animal. He was a hero. And I have put blood, sweat, your tuition money, donations, and tears into this stunning creation for all of you to admire as you embark to class each day. While publicity for this tragedy has been dying down since I began work on the statue, at least now Harambe’s legacy can never die.”
The attendees golf clapped for the crooked 8-foot statue, which was made out of gold and popsicle sticks that had been skillfully cemented together using hot glue and Kelly’s tears. Free shirts reading “Do It for Harambe” were shot into the crowd as streamers rained down and painted the Breezeway with color and gorilla-shaped confetti.
“Seeing the statue explained exactly why tuition costs were so high this semester. But I did get a free shirt and know that soon enough I can pay tribute to the almighty every day,” says student Leah Brevard. “I’m thankful to have a president of this school who cares as deeply as he does about current world events.”
When questioned about final reopening dates for the Breezeway, President Kelly would only say that “construction may be prolonged due to other exciting new projects.” Janitors cleaning up after the event reportedly found blueprints revealing Kelly’s plans to build a companion statue of “Crooked” Hillary Clinton’s e-mail server, which the crooked Harambe statue will perch upon once the Breezeway finally re-opens in late 2017.