Breezeway Longboarder Can’t Wait To Ram Into Your Ankle

Breezeway longboarder Ashton Schwanz could not contain herself with the thought of surely ramming her ankle-murdering wooden plank on wheels into a vulnerable Breezeway pedestrian’s Achilles tendon. “It’s more fun when the person is minding their business and can definitely be circled around, even though I’m not supposed to be riding in the breezeway anyway,” said Schwanz. “The moment where the board makes contact with the ankle, there’s nothing like it. I love the sheer look of horror on the faces.”

According to student accounts from the Breezeway, Ashton is notorious for being an absolute asshole. “I was on campus late once, and as I made my way down the empty Breezeway, there wasn’t a single soul,” said one of Schwanz’s victims, Rich Garcia. “I recall hearing the sound of her front wheels clanking over that metal floor strip before the Chick-fil-A intersection on the Breezeway. From that point on, all I remember is the burning pain in my ankle permeating upward toward my knee. She rode off faster than she had hit me with not even so much as a ‘sorry.’”

At press time, Schwanz commented on the lack of apology, saying, “I just couldn’t be fucking bothered, bud!”