Campus Governor Almost Impeached After Dining Alone At Arby’s One Too Many Times

Last week, impeachment charges were brought against Boca campus Governor Luke Turner after the allegations of Turner’s misuse of student government funds and failure to communicate to his staff were brought to light. The hearing, which took place Friday, got heated when a member of student government staff stood up and yelled out “This man keeps going to Arby’s and never invites any of us! We are so sick of being left out of your lunch plans, Luke!”

According to reports by the University Press, Turner claimed the accusations against him are ‘graceless’ and said he has ‘nothing to hide.’

“Mr. Turner has never even been to an Arby’s. So to accuse him of going there every single afternoon at 2:15 p.m. on the dot, spending student government funds on his regular order of curly fries and a roast beef sandwich, and not bringing back any leftovers for his staff to enjoy is preposterous,” said Turner’s representative, Wendy McDonald.

“If Mr. Turner were to ever go to an Arby’s, I assure you that he is the type of person that would invite everyone he knows and pay for everything with his own hard earned capital,” McDonald concluded.

A former friend of Turner’s and house representative, who would like to remain anonymous, issued a comment to reporters. “Yeah, all that money spent on the two-night trip was sketch but the only way you can really mess up your position in college government is to forget how to be a good friend. I just miss the late night conversations in Glades Park Tower where we talked about the joys of being alive and the times where he would invite me to join him for lunch at Arby’s”.

“Come back to me, Luke. I know you care about this campus. Start inviting your friends to Arby’s with you. No one needs to eat all those sandwiches alone. Stop misusing campus money and start communicating with your staff. I love you.”

As of today, Luke Turner reportedly remains in his position as governor of the Boca Raton campus and was last seen sobbing at the dining hall sandwich bar, which has been closed for two weeks.