An Open Letter From The Local Try Hard Who Needs Validation For Skipping Class
Hey everyone, it’s me. The coolest kid on campus. Why am I the coolest kid on campus you may ask? For one simple reason: I…
Campus Life
Smart Student Always Called On Last Gets Hand Amputated
The paramedic’s were called to Prof. Andy Furgison’s 9am 20th Century Literary Movements course after Jack Dunn passed out mid-class. Hoot reporters were on the…
‘Deal With It,’ Says FAU In Response To Permanent Stoppage Of Student Union Construction
The Student Union’s construction has left many students scared and confused in its wake. What will become of the ever-present smell of desperation and body…
UVA Secedes From FAU
Reports coming in from FAU’s Department of Housing state that in the early hours of December 6, 2019, a secret cabal met in the recreation…
Professor Offers Up Left Tit For Constructive SPOT Review
As the 2019 fall semester comes to a close, professors all over campus have begun desperately milking their students for completed SPOT reviews. While some…
An Open Letter To The People Making Macaroni And Cheese In The Library
It’s hard to not hear you guys when I’m sitting in between the bookshelves on the third floor. If you’re going to make macaroni and…
Sexy TA Just Wants His Students To Fucking Listen
After an influx of poor grades from his students, devastatingly handsome Introduction to Philosophy teaching assistant Tony Reyes is “done with this shit.” According to…
Comic Book Professor Annoyed At Being Known As ‘Comic Book Professor’
“Frankly, it’s frustrating,” commented Professor Ernie Bertinski, a professor of English, when asked about the comic book-themed nicknames he has been called this semester. Over…
BREAKING: FAU To Turn Old Starbucks Into Another Starbucks
Sources are now confirming that FAU has developed plans to turn the old Starbucks site on the Breezeway into another Starbucks. Customers were shocked to…
FAU To Build Beach On Campus
Unable to handle Spanish River Beach being a full twelve minutes from campus, FAU has finally decided to rectify the situation and construct an artificial…