Local Leprechaun Gets Pot Stolen
Two days before Saint Patrick’s Day, local leprechaun Murphy McDonald-Walsh III, reported his pot stolen. Walsh claimed that the pot was worth an extensive amount…
News
President Kelly Offended No Celebrities Paid To Get Their Child Into FAU
Amidst the accusations against the many celebrities and wealthy who have illegally paid enormous sums to guarantee their children a spot in different universities, President…
President Kelly Declares Campus-Wide Emergency Forcing Students To Attend Sporting Events
President John Kelly enacted a campus-wide emergency Wednesday in response to the subpar attendance at university sporting events. “We’re going to be signing today and…
Student Who Said ‘I’m About To Blow Up This Bathroom’ Says It Wasn’t A Bomb Threat, He Just Had To Shit
Last week, students received messages from FAU’s Alert System about a possible bomb threat on the Boca campus. The threat was reported when students overheard…
Kahoot Revealed To Be Main Event At FAU Underground Gambling Ring
“We put the ‘hoot’ in Kahoot,” said student Martin Banks as he was arrested by Florida Atlantic P.D. for hosting a series of unsanctioned games…
Weird Guy In Creative Writing Writes Poem About Boobs Again
Still apparently unable to register feelings of embarrassment, uncomfortable students reported Monday that their weird creative writing classmate once again chose boobs as the theme…
Breaking: Trump Pays Owlsley Hush Money For Sexual Favors
On June 24, 2006, during his stay at a nearby Residence Inn, then business mogul, Donald Trump, was reported to have paid FAU’s mascot, Owlsley,…
Freshman Spends Entire Financial Aid Refund On Makeup She’ll Stop Using In 3 Weeks
Financial Aid refunds have been processed and the doe-eyed Freshman Caitlyn Rutledge could not contain her excitement of having an extra $2,000 in her brand…
Mark Zuckerberg Buys Canvas; Russian Students Rejoice
On Friday, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg finalized his purchase of the Canvas learning management system. “We plan to revolutionize the social experience and application of…
Report: Jesus Fuck, Not This Shit Again
As classes for the 2018 Fall Semester begin, a report published Monday indicated that Jesus fuck, not this goddamn bullshit again. “Here we go,” read…