Lane Kiffin Wakes from Lobotomy Trance, Still Unsure How He Got Here
In a development surprising only to FAU upper management, new football coach Lane Kiffin has woken up from what appears to have been a lobotomy…
Sports
Breaking: New FAU Football Coach Lane Kiffin to Be Paid Exclusively in Disappointment
On Monday morning Lane Kiffin was revealed to be signing a contract to become the new head coach of the FAU football team, under the…
Charlie Partridge Takes New Job at Waste Management, Finally Works with Literal Garbage
Former head coach of the FAU football team Charlie Partridge was discovered on the back of a garbage truck Monday morning, settling into his new…
Student Convinces Blood Drive Solicitor He is Magic Johnson to Avoid Donating
FAU freshman Vincent Gregory was done with the simple “no thanks” while walking past pushy blood drive solicitors. A man on a mission to get…
Noble Citizens Propose Constitutional Amendment Forcing All Football Players to Stand, Always
In light of multiple recent incidents where National Football League athletes refused to stand for the national anthem, a new constitutional amendment has been proposed…
President Kelly: There Will Be a Mewtwo at the Stadium Tonight, I Swear
At 11 A.M. on Saturday morning, FAU’s President Kelly held a press conference at the Baldwin House to entice students into attending the night’s football game,…
“Reaping” Held to Select New FAU Football Players
Shortly after 11am yesterday, the morning was split by the sound of a ram’s horn that echoed across the Boca Raton campus of FAU. While…
FAU Recruits Furby as New Mascot
Three months after the horrific Thanksgiving disappearance of its beloved mascot Owlsley, the FAU administration has finally chosen the new face of the university: 90s…
FAU Football Team Receives Three Billion Dollars in Chipotle Gift Cards
In a transformative move sure to change the face of collegiate charity, the Schmidt Family Foundation donated the largest amount of money in FAU history…
FAU Football Team Barely Loses This Time
This past weekend the Florida Atlantic Owls barely lost a game against the University of Florida. In a tight match-up versus the number 8 team…