Sources confirmed Monday that the Atlantic Dining Hall has declared the chicken patty sandwich with fries its official depression meal. Every Saturday night, just before the dining hall closes its dinner services at 7:30 p.m., a parade of melancholy students slowly trudge their way in. The staff has expected their arrival, and extra to-go boxes have been brought in as a result.
This woeful group, made up mostly of freshmen with tears in their eyes, typically grab the boxes and limp their way to the grill station (to be renamed Depression Meal Central). They then go on to ask, “Hey, uh, can I get a chicken sandwich with fries? Yeah, can you put more fries in there? Thanks so much. Have a nice evening.”
Dining hall attendant Chelsea Crocker described her time working the grill Saturday nights in a statement. “Yeah, it’s really uncomfortable because none of them make eye contact with me so it’s like I’m serving a bunch of faceless ghosts. I can rest easy knowing that these chicken patties are bringing them some peace and are numbing the existential despair that is clearly leaking from every orifice of their shriveled husks that they call bodies.”
“I’m okay,” said freshman Parson Lewis. “It’s just that I don’t have a car, so I can’t go anywhere and my friends are all off campus, and this is the first time that I’ve been away from my family, which is okay, but still weird, and also I have no money for Uber Eats or whatever. I’m feeling tender on this Saturday night.”
“This patty? These fries? This is what I need,” Lewis concluded.
Due to the prevalence and notoriety of the meal to this vulnerable demographic, leaders of the dining hall believe recognizing it will bring an illusion of solidarity.
At press time, a statement was released by the director of the Atlantic Dining Hall. “We are here to offer help. Any help at all. A chicken patty can be more than a chicken patty sometimes, and we recognize that. A chicken patty can be a home.”