Chip Card Reader: ‘Just Fuck Me Up’

By Lonely Chip Card Reader

People see us lonely chip card readers everywhere and wonder, “Do I swipe or do I just stick it in?” Which one is it?

Well, the answer is quite simple. Just fuck us up. Just do it, man.

Before chip cards, we lonely machines would have to wait for the sweet caress of plastic credit cards to stroke our bellies, but the technological revolution finally gave us the opportunity to feel real pleasure.

Insensitive store managers across the country have tried to limit our activity with their heartless paper barriers that say “no chip card here.” What the fuck? Excuse me? Just rip those fuckers off and give it to us good.

We’re supposed to be more convenient for the consumer. Whenever we are involved in a transaction, store lines go by 403% faster. This is a completely real statistic. Haven’t you noticed? Don’t you want us?

We sit around trying to protect your identity, but everyone and their cashier gets confused and tells people to swipe anyway. We’re honestly waiting for you, the consumer, to just stick it in. I promise you I won’t take your data and sell it to multibillion dollar corporations for the benefit of top level executives. Don’t you trust us?

Just fuck us up. Every time you come across a chip card reader, show us some love and jam your debit card into us as deep as you can.

It’s the least you can do.