Courageous Student Enters Abyss of Full Parking Garage Three Minutes Before Class

FAU senior Cody Hopkins faced imminent odds this Wednesday morning as he headed into the dark nothingness of Parking Garage #3. Although the ominous garage entrance was lit by the word “FULL” displayed in glaring blood-red, Hopkins knew his only choice was to face the odds, as he had a Spanish 2 test in three minutes and Señora Maria likes to do the listening comprehension section first. Armed only with his 2008 Nissan Altima and the complete confidence of a habitually late person, Hopkins put on his headlights and headed straight into the void.

Cameras throughout the garage captured footage of Hopkins sporadically searching for any remaining spots, slowing down near every disabled parking spot and shouting, “I knew I should’ve broken my own legs.” The University Police Department was alerted as Hopkins sped increasingly faster through each level of the garage, but the officers ignored it as they were too caught up arresting someone for running a stop sign on University Drive.

As Hopkins neared the fourth floor of the garage, he began following students to their cars. Volvo owner Britney Hermin stated, “I was, like, really scared he was following me. I forgot what floor I parked on so he, like, followed behind me while revving his shitty car’s weak-ass engine.” Hermin claimed that though Hopkins had followed her all the way back to her spot, she only needed to retrieve her MacBook and thus left her car parked in its spot. “There were, like, beads of sweat and anger on his face when I turned around and walked towards the stairs. What a weirdo.”

After the 11 A.M. Spanish class students completed their exam, classmates who actually remembered Hopkins’ name realized they had yet to see any sign of him and reported him as a missing person. Some believe Hopkins found a parking spot and became too anxious and possessive to physically leave it, but most believe he is still wandering the perilous Parking Garage #3 floors, perpetually searching for any open spots.