Deranged Coffee Junkies Line Up in Droves for Recently Re-Opened Starbucks

A line of tents filled with shaky, fatigued, sweaty students lined the Breezeway last week as the FAU community awaited the grand re-opening of Starbucks. The line began forming two weeks before the opening, eventually circling around the entire campus and leading down through the majority of FAU’s underground pipe system.

Strangely, with a Dunkin Donuts and an Einstein Bagels on campus, students chose to brave withdrawal symptoms over trespassing against their preferred brand. When one innocent faculty member approached a camper suggesting he try one of the other coffee options, she was met with a stern, “Well, if you were a fellow follower of the great green circle, then you would know that that question is extremely insulting and how dare you.” The same faculty member then suggested the student drive to the Starbucks across the street, to which the student replied, “Does FAU really expect me to get into my car and drive to Starbucks? Where is my reasonable accommodation?”

Some students felt betrayed by the closing, yet found themselves anxious to get back into the habit. One, who was sobbing uncontrollably, said, “I had to go to Math for Liberal Arts for six weeks without a single Fresh-Brewed Frappuccino Macchiato Refresher with Coco-Soy Cream™! And yet, through the abuse, here I am. I thought I learned this lesson in the past, but something always keeps me coming back…”

One group of students started a “dark magic support group” in the months without Starbucks, with the ultimate goal of “becoming woke to the true horrors of the world.” “We would get together, draw pentagrams, and drink,” said sophomore James Balleros, leader of the group. “Coffee. No, not even coffee… this was just bean juice. We drank the bean juice of the devil.” Though the cult members realized early on that drawing pentagrams and drinking store-bought coffee would not actually awaken them to the true horrors of the world, they all ultimately chose to stay, realizing that if the group’s purpose was fulfilled, they would no longer appreciate their Starbucks.

A “bearded, tattooed angel of a man” from the inside of the store finally, slowly unlocked the door at 7:58 AM Monday morning. As soon as the lock returned fully to its unlocked position, a stampede of screaming students rushed inside the shop and proceeded to form an orderly line as they awaited their opportunities to order.

“I don’t care if this single-handedly pushes us into a worldwide coffee shortage,” said one student as he handed a crisp hundred-dollar bill to the cashier and awaited his eight-cent change. “Balance at this school has been restored.”