Disappointed South Floridians Not Sure What to Do with All These Extra Flashlights

In the wake of Hurricane Matthew’s trajectory sliding much further North than initially expected, millions of South Floridians have been left with an abundance of flashlights that they have no reason to own. “They told us we were going to experience a devastating hit, like an A-bomb, boom, us and everyone we know gets vaporized on the spot. So I stocked up on water and flashlights,” said Ariana Tomilo, a Boca Raton resident who tragically witnessed a single tree branch fall into her backyard swimming pool. “Now, since we’re all still here, we can drink the water. But what are we supposed to do with these forty-eight LED pocket flashlights? We live in Florida, the Sunshine State. Nobody here needs a flashlight for anything.” Hurricane preparedness lists often include flashlights so those who lose power can still see inside their shuttered homes. However, now that any potential for danger has passed, those who stocked up feel swindled. “It’s all because of crooked Governor Scott, you know. He’s always been in the pockets of the flashlight companies.” When asked if she would consider sending some of her unusable supplies to Haiti, Tomilo laughed and asked, “Who’s Haiti?”