Distraught Zodiac Killer Awkwardly Crashes Student End-of-Semester Party

Shunned away from his own post-campaign reception, former United States Presidential nominee and confirmed Zodiac Killer Ted Cruz attempted to crash an end-of-semester student party less than a half-mile off FAU’s Boca Raton campus. “We were on our sixth round of tequila shots when someone pointed out the silhouette in the window,” recounted party host Gabe Morales, proud owner of a “Feel the BERN” bumper sticker. “I screamed and ran outside with a baseball bat, but he wasn’t there. When I got back inside, all of my friends were gone and Ted Cruz was in the middle of the living room, crouched over, with all twelve of my decorative empty vodka bottles strewn around him. As soon as he noticed me, he leaped over and whispered the word ‘friend’ before licking my face and scurrying out of the house.” A similar account was reported twenty minutes later in San Diego, California, then fifteen minutes after that in Boston, Massachusetts. Morales and the other affected students seem understanding of the situation, however. “Running to be the President has to be tough. He isn’t the only one who’s gone crazy. At least all he wants now is friendship.”