‘Don’t Worry About That,’ Says Campus Tour Guide Dismissively While Leading Group Past Pit Of Lost Souls

While escorting a group of visitors around the Boca Raton campus Monday, FAU tour guide Brett Michaelson was quick to dispel any concern upon approaching the notorious Pit of Lost Souls. The gaping crater in the ground is known for its endless drop into eternal darkness, where sources say the horrified screams of the damned can occasionally be heard echoing to the surface. “Don’t worry about that,” Michaelson said. “Seriously, it’s not even worth checking out.”

Campus tour guides have reportedly been instructed not to directly address the Pit of Lost Souls, as FAU’s administration believes that its unsettling nature will detract from the university’s appeal. Little information has officially been released about the pit: only that it has existed since the college first opened in 1964, and that students who failed to pay off their student loans were thrown into it by Financial Aid officers as a form of human sacrifice. “I always heard college was a pit of despair,” said freshman Julia Gonzalez. “I just didn’t know I was supposed to take it literally.”

Gregory Byrne, a member of Michaelson’s tour group, made the mistake of getting too close to the edge of the pit while attempting to sneak a selfie with it. Witnesses claim that a skeletal hand from inside the pit grabbed Byrne by the leg and dragged him in. As he fell, his haunting screams became increasingly faint until he could no longer be heard. The other members of the group stood frozen, terrified by what they had just seen. “There’s nothing we can do for him,” Michaelson said. “He’s one of them now. Oh, hey, have you guys seen the Chick-fil-A on campus yet? They serve milkshakes now.”