After a tedious initiation process, the FAU Student Accessibility Services has declared the roach you sometimes find hanging out on your kitchen floor when you’re up at 1 AM trying to make some ramen noodles for yourself, an official emergency support animal. The SAS office in Boca Raton admitted the dorm roach as an ESA after releasing a report Monday stating that while no dormitories were found to be “infested,” there were enough roaches for every student to have as many or as little as they need to support them through not only campus life, but for all of eternity.
If a student is found eligible to register their roach as an emotional support animal, they are required to secure it in its official service vest, wash it regularly, pick up and properly dispose of scat, and walk it daily. No, that wasn’t someone sprinting aimlessly down the Breezeway with a leash attached to a giant Tootsie Roll you saw. It was someone walking their dorm roach.
Since its initiation, the dorm roach has received mostly praise from students.
“The sounds of my dorm roach scattering and slamming into the walls of its Tupperware cage do keep me awake at night,” said UVA resident ChiChi Jonze. “But hearing something crave freedom so desperately keeps me from my lonely thoughts, so it works for me!”
At press time, Joan Sarandon, a representative from the Student Accessibility Services, issued a comment: “Dogs and cats working as a source of emotional support is just a crying fit waiting to happen. It’s difficult for students to settle into the benefits of companionship that these cute bundles of fluff are said to offer when the idea of their inevitable death exists. But dorm roach? Dorm roach outlives you. Dorm roach gotcha back always.”