Drunk Philosopher at Party Reminds Guests That ‘Everything is Subjective’

At a party hosted by the FAU Wine Club on Monday night, drunk guest and self-proclaimed philosopher Falcon Hawkmoon reminded all attending that everything in life is, in fact, “subjective,” despite any individual attempts at “objectivity.”

As Hawkmoon later explained, “I was upset that I’d gotten an F in my philosophy class. I mean, that’s just the teacher’s opinion. So I was like, ‘Get off my ass, Teacher-Bro.’ I might’ve been acting on some of that rage during the party.”

Reports claim that Hawkmoon started the evening out innocently enough. Though he couldn’t tell a Burgundy from a Bordeaux, he seemed chill and able to have a good time.

Things took a turn for the worse, though, when he began talking about Jean-Paul Sartre. “Hell is other people, man,” he yelled at all the attendees. He then made his way through a litany of philosophers until he landed on Kierkegaard, a philosopher known for his views on subjectivity. Reports claim that Hawkmoon broke all the mirrors in the party host’s home to prove that looks are subjective, ripped off his clothes to prove that societal norms are subjective, and then humped the sofa to prove that sex is subjective.

Wine Club President Sam Parker told reporters, “Yeah, he’s definitely not invited to our next party,” after which Hawkmoon claimed that the party was too “uhb-jetiviving” for him anyway.