After shamefully opening Blackboard to discover that he is failing all of his classes, FAU student Marquis Donovan came to the unsettling realization that this Thanksgiving, the turkey won’t be the only thing getting roasted.
In addition to his disappointing academic performance, Donovan is unemployed, and has been single for the past three years. Sources say that Donovan’s family is preparing to serve him not only a plate during Thanksgiving dinner, but also a number of devastating insults that will surely tear at his already crippling self-esteem.
“I’m gonna go up in smoke this year,” Donovan nervously expressed as he packed his suitcase with topical gel in preparation for the severe burns he is expected to receive upon his arrival home. “My only saving grace is if my total fuck-up of a cousin who dropped out of high school shows. But she’s so far gone, we’re lucky if she even realizes it’s Thanksgiving, much less remembers to show up.”
This Thanksgiving’s roast is predicted to be even more traumatizing than last year’s, where a dismayed Donovan was seen shortly after without his will to live. Donovan hopes that at the very least, no insult will top last year’s gibe from his own parents, who proclaimed that they “should have bought stronger condoms.”