The weeks leading up to Valentine’s Day are always a bit more gloomy for single folks than normal. To add salt to the wound, The FAU Alumni Association sent out an email asking for “FAU love stories”. Now, we wouldn’t be reporting this if the Alumni Association received anything less than the most self-deprecating, vile, and downright unholiest of submissions.
We caught up with a member of the team (who wishes to remain anonymous) involved with curating these stories to see what sweet details we could expect. Instead, we heard stories of heartbreak and despair.
“Our very first submission was from an alumni with the class of 2010,” said the anonymous source. “They sent an email that basically said ‘you have 30 days to release these photos to your entire mailing list or I kidnap Owlsley.’ The threat was harmless enough, I mean, have you seen Owlsley lately?”
I told her yes, I had, as I’m actually the person that reported on the 10lbs of cocaine three weeks ago.
“Anyway,” the source said, “the pictures that the class of 2010 guy attached were disgusting. It was basically someone’s prolapsed asshole in what appears to be the campus rec.”
When asked how many of the submissions were similar to this one, she answered,
“All of them. Look at this one:
‘Hey Alumni Association, please share my love story! Fuck Ashley Greendlewald. That bitch is a no good lying skank that fucked my dad, uncle, aunt and grandma?’
“I’m not sure if he was actually asking us about the grandma, or simply just so shocked by the memory that as he typed, it perplexed him so much that he questioned his reality.”
Many of the submissions demanded that their rather loveless love stories be shared, or be met with an assortment of repercussions. Some of these included: naughty texts with professors, nudes of exes, nudes of professors, nudes of Owlsley, and much more.
At press time, Hoot correspondents have been informed that the Alumni Association has not met the demands of any blackmailers.