The spirits of owls who have lived on this campus for thousands of years came out and admitted yesterday that they’re beginning to feel marginalized. They’re looking for humans to be sacrificed, and they won’t accept no for an answer.
When asked to comment, Arnold the Owl had this to say: “Hoot hoot hoot hoot. HOOT. Hoot HOOT HOOOOOOOOOOOOOT. Ah, I’m just messin’ with you guys. I know English. You’re right. We’re super pissed at the way FAU has marginalized us.” As he went on to explain, the owls value murder more highly than any other living creature. For the owls to have a proper safe space, they’re going to need a lot more murder to happen.
“At least four times the current number of murders,” Arnold explains. “Eye-gouging, defenestration. This is the sort of stuff our culture celebrates. When people on campus tell us to stop murdering people, it feels like they don’t understand the complexities of owl culture. Us owls come out to have a good time, and honestly we’re feeling so attacked right now.”
Arnold went on to talk about the erasure of Burrowing Owl culture and how modern attempts to bring light to the issue have been unsuccessful. “The FAU Library has a whole section of Hootith Butler books, but I doubt they get read. Unfortunately, most students probably haven’t read a single article by Ta-Nahootisi Coates either.”
Larry the Owl, FAU’s official owl coordinator, explained, “To create a safe space for the entire campus, we sort of have to walk a tight line. On the one hand, we have to respect certain sensitive students who don’t want to deal with being murdered. Yes, murder is a problem, and yes, it is a microaggression. But on the other hand, that doesn’t give FAU the right to carry on with this system of oppression against the owls’ own murderous culture.”
In spite of conflicting interests, the entire FAU Board of Directors agrees that we have to make some concessions to the owls since this is, after all, their home, too. The spokesman for the board made one concession absolutely clear. “The religion of the owls requires virgin sacrifices, so the Computer Engineering Department is going to have to lose some members.”