FAU Dining Hall Announces New Tide Pod-Only Menu

On Wednesday morning, the FAU Atlantic Dining Hall unveiled their new and improved Tide Pod-only menu. According to reports, the new menu comes as part of a new marketing technique that attempts to make the dining hall the “coolest and tastiest place to be on campus.” However, the opinions of dining hall staff and students have appeared to differ.

“I just don’t know what these kids want,” said dining hall employee William Hill. “They bitch about our food all the time, but when we give them something hip and popular, they still complain! Goddamn millennials.”

“Oh, God, someone call an ambulance,” garbled freshman Janet Williams as laundry detergent oozed from her mouth after biting into a slice of Tide Pod pizza. “I think I’m gonna be sick… well, clean. But also sick.”

At press time, the new menu changes were planned to stay until accurate data has determined that students prefer the old menu, or until enough deaths occur.