Monday morning President Kelly took to Periscope to announce that FAU would be officially recognizing the ducks near parking garage two as students. Although this bold move solidifies FAU’s status as the most diverse campus in the nation, the ducks themselves were not too happy about the fact that, starting Spring 2016, they will have to pay for tuition.
The decision to start charging the FAU ducks began last Tuesday when a group of angry, pretentious art students burst through the doors of President Kelly’s office yelling “Why do they get to live here for free?” When President Kelly inquired as to what the heck they were jabbing about, the students produced a caged duck, which they claimed was “a symbol.” Ignoring President Kelly’s confusion over the vague statement, they further complained that it wasn’t right for students to be “slaves of the institution” while the ducks got to inhabit the university for free.
Hatred towards the freeloading ducks only progressed from there, the ideology even becoming the foundation for a new on-campus club named the “Fuck the Duck Club.” The movement then gained traction on Twitter under the hashtag “#duckgate,” leaving President Kelly with no choice but to start charging the FAU ducks tuition.
The price includes meals, primarily consisting of half eaten fries from Chick Fil-A, Papa John’s pizza crust, and fish; access to ponds for Anatidae needs and puddles for daytime playtime; and full reign over an assortment of random grassy areas for nocturnal slumber.
Other animals expected to pay tuition by 2017 include spiders, iguanas, and even raccoons. On behalf of The Hoot staff: Welcome to FAU!