FAU Fails To Address Giant Asteroid Hurtling Toward Campus

In the days following initial reports of the impending calamity, Florida Atlantic University has continued to disregard the giant asteroid hurtling straight toward the Boca Raton campus. “Shouldn’t we have heard something by now?” asked campus resident Stephanie Burns, scouring the official FAU Twitter account for a scrap of news regarding the 2-mile-long asteroid astronomers expect will completely decimate the university’s entire urban area. “If my friend hadn’t told me about it, I never would have known. It’s been nearly a week, and FAU has been quiet about the whole thing. No emails, no texts, no words of encouragement, nothing. Just complete radio silence. They could have at least suspended campus activity or canceled classes. I don’t know. Something is better than nothing, right? It’s like they don’t even give a hoot; pun unfortunately intended.” At press time, students amid massive campus-wide evacuations received an automated email from FAU, detailing that Saturday’s football game tickets are now available.