FAU Freshman Gets Totally Laid

On Monday morning, FAU freshman pre-med major Hugh Johnson revealed through a group text to his study group that he absolutely, without a single doubt, got totally laid the night before.

The members of Johnson’s study group eagerly responded, saying, “Why are you telling me this,” “I feel very uncomfortable right now,” “I’m going to hope this was an accident and that you meant to send this to someone you’re a lot closer with,” and “What does this have to do with trigonometry and the test next Friday.” Johnson, however, was not going to sit idly by while his trigonometry study group ignored and disrespected his “super awsome claim,” so he then reportedly sent a massive text that he believed would get the study group to send him a ton of winky emojis and fully acknowledge that he “like totally performed sex.”

In the massive text, Johnson stated that he “made cool love” to a woman and that “overall it was just sweet.” He continued on describing the act in just-vague-enough terms, stating that the woman “had all the appropriate sex organs that a woman would most definitely have, like the belly button and ovaries and stuff.” Johnson made a point to note that it was not a big deal, however, because he “[does] the intercourse all the time and most women can tell.”

After receiving this massive text, all the study group members immediately exited from the group chat and blocked Johnson’s number. “I didn’t ask for this. I just wanted a trig study group,” said study group member Aubrey Brown. “Nobody questioned him on it, nobody asked for further clarification, we just wanted him to stop after that first text, but he didn’t,” Brown continued while looking longingly at her phone.

At press time, Johnson had sent a text message to The Hoot describing the incident from his point of view, which was mostly a long, drawn-out story about him having sexual intercourse with “a woman’s fajita.”