FAU Greek Life Tired of Homelessness

After long nights of hopeless wandering, members of FAU’s Alpha Tau Omega Eta Mu chapter finally decided that they are sick of being homeless. According to multiple sources, individuals within the fraternity realized that the time has come for them to “get [their] shit together and buy a damn house” like all the other chapters across the nation. Derrick Rosewater, a senior member of the organization, told reporters, “I’m concerned about our safety. Last night it rained and my beautiful blond hair was ruined. How am I supposed to protect my brothers like this?”

Other FAU Greek organizations have been seen panhandling by the stadium, where organizations and benefactors are more likely to donate money than anywhere else on campus. There have been multiple reports of Alpha Xi Delta sorority sisters scouring through the dumpsters near the Student Union, and when asked about it, the Theta Iota chapter president simply stated, “Once we get a house, we’ll have our own garbage to rummage through.”

The Hoot staff asked student body president Kathryn Edmunds why this issue of human rights has not been addressed, and she replied that the student government “might have other issues to tackle first.” Although this is not what the brothers of ATO and other Greek organizations would like to hear, they are hopeful that leadership will soon budge and just give them the damn money for their homes so that they can finally host the types of parties they see in the movies.