On Wednesday morning, thousands of fifth year seniors assembled inside the FAU Student Union for a non-graduation ceremony, where participants finally celebrated giving up on obtaining a degree. The students celebrated their crippling mental states, deteriorated financial statuses, and time forever lost by inviting their entire extended families to the event, who were reportedly excited to judge the former college students’ life choices and were also eager to mention every successful event to ever happen to one of their relatives within the last ten generations.
At the event, non-graduates reportedly partook in the time-honored tradition of walking on stage to collect a custom-made FAU participation trophy, while the celebration then ended with all the flunked out students throwing their shredded transcripts into the air, a truly magical moment that these drop-outs will never forget
“I’m just lucky to be here celebrating my inadequacies with my whole family,” said Jacob Smith, super senior and non-graduate at the event. “Now, I can lose all of the anxieties that FAU has given me and start to look towards the future. Next week I’m planning to visit old high school teachers who knew me when I was a successful student, back when I had self-esteem,” he said while breaking down in tears.
“I’m just so proud of my son. He’s the first in his family to do this,” said Tom Smith, father of Jacob Smith. “This has always been a huge goal in our family, to have one of our own be a college drop-out. While his grandfather was a brain surgeon and I’m just a run of the mill lawyer, we always knew Jacob would rise above this and be the mediocre person he was always meant to be.”
At press time, President Kelly declared the non-graduation ceremony a great success, stating that it had “successfully dropped FAU’s graduation timeframe down to only 9 years.” As of now, thousands of FAU students are eagerly awaiting their chance to give up on college and partake in FAU’s newest and most popular tradition.