FAU Issues Warning to Watch Out for That One Spider

Spring season is upon us, and as the winds of winter blow by, and the warmer air and rain brings back bugs, a fresh new warning from FAU has predictably sprung up. Early Saturday morning, students were treated to a welcoming FAU alert that read, “Attention FAU Boca Raton students. Beware of that one spider. Very DEADLY and DANGEROUS; DO NOT APPROACH, DO NOT PROVOKE. Several students dead. Thank you.” Now we at The Hoot don’t claim to be mind readers, but we know exactly what you’re thinking: What fucking spider??? 

FAU takes pride in being located in “paradise,” but what paradise really means is a tropical climate that is very inviting to a shit ton of wildlife and insects. There’s the very obvious infestation of iguanas (some of which seem to have human souls trapped inside them), and then about 50 fucking species of spiders. So, thanks for the warning FAU, but you can actually take the warning and fuck off because it’s about as useful as your stupid fucking owl bucks. 

At press time a Hoot correspondent reached out to FAU wildlife services for clarification to which they responded with, “You know, that one spider? With the legs?”