FAU Janitor Revealed To Be Black Market Test Bank Dealer

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After being caught cheating on her Anatomy exam, freshman Clara Long reportedly emailed her professor Friday claiming that she received the test banks from an FAU janitor. “I didn’t mean to venture into the black market of school supplies,” Long told reporters. “I got this encrypted email before I went to college saying, ‘Click this link to pass all your classes; don’t get caught or you’re dead.’ So I went along with it and ended up getting test banks from a super shady janitor named Gary Nebbs. Next thing I know, I’m taking my Anatomy exam and forgot to put the test banks in my bag. I just hope Gary doesn’t come after me.”

According to sources close to Long, immediately after she had been compromised, Nebbs sent another encrypted email to her stating, “You have betrayed me more than my mother when she put me up for adoption. You have three hours until someone does my dirty work, and trust me, I know dirty work.” 

Nebbs has since reached out to The Hoot to issue a statement. “I’m not actually going to hurt the girl,” Nebbs said. “I’ll probably just send her a voodoo puppet with a needle through its heart to get my point across. It’s not like anyone actually believes that stuff anyway.”

At press time, Long’s suitemates were reportedly unable to locate her and claimed that her room appeared to have been emptied.