The staff of the Wimberly Library released a statement today detailing their New Year’s Resolution for 2016: to be even more unapproachable.
“2015 was a great year for us,” said Pam, a library employee we spoke to this morning. “This year we implemented eye-rolling, which was a big success, and we really buckled down on our resting bitch faces. Still, there’s always room for improvement.”
Talking to some of the Wimberly employees this morning taught us two things. One, that they are actually paid by how miserable a student is when they leave an interaction with them. Second, that they are so highly trained in the art of shooting beams of negativity that it can actually be lethal to converse with any of them for over ten minutes at a time.
The journalist who interviewed Pam, for instance, finished the interview by saying, “Thank you for talking to us,” and then immediately slit her own throat with a study room key. The students in the lobby looked at the body in stunned horror, but it was Pam who broke the silence by saying, “Wow! That was my record time!”
Though everyone is already impressed by how talented Wimberly librarians are at being day-ruiners, we asked about their plans to improve their wicked ways for 2016. “Well,” said Pam, “we have all been going to seminars for parents with misbehaving children so that we can acquire condescending and guilt-inducing voices. We also just finished reading The Secret and have decided to focus on manifesting what the universe has in store for us.”
Ouch. “Staying far away from the staff of the Wimberly Library” has never topped so many student New Years Resolutions lists as it has this year. Onward and upward through an even more unsettling 2016!