FAU has recently opened an underground fighting club with the intention of helping students cope with the overwhelming stress induced by finals week. After several incidents involving therapy dogs being strangled by students, administration came to the swift conclusion that they needed to establish alternative outlets for students to physically relieve their stress.
“You’ve probably never seen a student gone mad with stress and bludgeon an innocent animal to death,” President John Kelly said at a press conference on Friday. “Let me tell you, it’s not pretty. We’re not barbarians. We refuse to condone such behavior. Still, we sympathize with the students, so we’ve decided to allow them to beat each other to death instead.”
The club has seen a drastic increase in attendance with each meeting, including several regulars. Edward Paulson, sophomore and active Fight Club participant, had this to say: “Let me tell you, nothing calms me down more about my Chemistry final than using my bare fists to pummel the faces of my fellow peers to a bloody pulp. Talk about relief.”
While the club has caused a significant decline in stress among students, it has also subsequently created an increase in chaos and disorder across campus. Several acts of vandalism and anarchy have been reported, including the theft of President Kelly’s car, which was later found at the bottom of a river.
When asked about the correlation between Fight Club and the recent cases of mayhem, Brad Durden, leader of the club, refused to elaborate. “I can’t talk about it. Doing so would contradict the first two rules of Fight Club.”