After dozens of reported cases, it has now been confirmed that FAU officers reach sexual climax every time they ticket a student’s vehicle. “I can’t explain it,” says officer James Ramirez. “All I can say is that it’s the best feeling in the world. It’s really all I have to look forward to in the day.”
“Well it’s really fucking unnerving!” said sophomore Iris Stevens, who was recently the victim of such a ticketing. “I have a green permit, but I accidentally parked in a blue space in the student union parking lot. Sure, it was a mistake, it’s just that it’s hard to distinguish which zone is which.” Stevens then mentioned seeing a strange figure in a police uniform roaming the parking lot, letting out low moans while saying things like, “Ooh,” “Ah,” “That’s right,” and “Just the way I like it, baby.” When she returned to her car at the end of the day, Stevens found a ticket fining her for $25 with the words ‘thank you’ written at the bottom.
“What really pisses me off is that I’m the only one who was given a ticket! I looked around — there were other blue permit cars in the area. It just doesn’t make sense!”
“That’s the hottest part about it,” explains officer Ramirez. “Giving just one student a ticket for something that everyone else is doing plays a lot more into our kinky power dynamic. Hell, I just gave a kid a ticket for parking outside the building he works in! I know he works there, but I was so friggin’ horny and ready to dominate! Let’s put it this way: he won’t be driving that car for at least a week.”
Stevens eventually tried to dispute her ticket by calling FAU Parking and Transportation. “I spent 10 minutes explaining my side of the story to the lady. Eventually she asked me what I was wearing. That’s when I realized she was either victim-shaming, or masturbating.”