It has recently been reported that, now that classes are online, FAU Parking Police have been wandering around aimlessly now that they can’t haphazardly give out tickets to commuter students. Prior to this unpredictable semester, FAU Parking Police were happily driving by parked cars giving out tickets left and right. Now, they can be seen driving in small circles around lot 5 waiting for someone, anyone, to inconvenience.
“It’s truly miserable,” lamented Officer Joseph Jones, gazing off into an empty parking garage with tears in his eyes. “We’ve tried giving each other parking tickets to see if that would help, but it’s just not the same rush. We need real people to make late to class again.”
At press time, it was revealed that FAU Administration would begin a new financial aid program where, in exchange for financial assistance in paying for classes, students would volunteer to park in restricted areas so the FAU Parking Police could issue them tickets.