FAU to Place Hold on Student Accounts for Having Holds on Accounts

Students on campus cringed on Friday morning as FAU released a press statement declaring all pending holds on students’ accounts to be extended indefinitely and placed on hold. With an additional hold to any already existing holds, many students are being blocked from registering for class during the final hours of add-drop week.

The official press statement from the Office of Communication declared this #bold move a “necessary and vital” step for the growth of the University. “Being an adult means learning how to deal with all the bureaucratic BS that comes your way,” said the statement. “Welcome to the real world.” Additionally, the FAU Registrar has emailed every student on campus with any hold on their account a passive-aggressive email with the subject line “You’ve Got Hold (again)!”

Students on campus are not receiving this news lightly. The lines at the advising building have been stretching out the door as students have come flocking in droves to protest the new policy.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” shouted senior Anastasia Vantstruka towards the polite receptionists at the front desk, who had nothing to do with the decision. “I need to register for my final course… I already have a job offer for January… I have to graduate this semester,” said the desperate super senior, who immediately burst into flames.

Junior Timmy Cooperton let out a screech in the middle of the Admin building, as he fell to his knees and pulled out tufts of his hair. “My life is over!” he cried. “I can’t skip class if I’m not registered!”

But not all is doom and gloom: some students have found a silver lining in the chaos, like frat brother and self-proclaimed philanthropist Andrew Wilkes-Krier. “Well, my parents already paid for my room at IVA and since I guess I can’t register for anything, I might as well just party all the time.”